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LA NOCHE DE SAN JUAN

‘Mmm.’

‘How do you feel? Do you like it?’

Yes, I liked it. I liked the feeling it gave me and I liked the way she was looking at me, but at the time I also thought that what she had done was wrong. No one should put pressure on anyone else to take drugs, I thought, especially if it was their first time. What if they became addicted or something went wrong? But now I don't blame that girl for pushing me to try some, because later I was to do the same thing myself many times with tourists who visited the prison. Maybe what they say about drug-takers is true – that they try to get everyone around them hooked, so they don't feel so bad about it themselves. I'm sure that neither of us had any evil intentions. Maybe it just comes down to this: when you're happy, you want everyone else around you to be happy too.

In any case, I certainly can't say that it was the girl's fault the next time I tried cocaine, or the time after that. It wasn't like someone was pointing a gun at my head. I made the choice. I liked cocaine the first time I tried it. I liked it the second time. I've liked it ever since. At times it's been my saviour. At times it's almost been the death of me. But even when I started doing it too much, I didn't blame anyone for it, not that beautiful girl, not even the drug itself. I sometimes ask myself whether my life would have been better without cocaine. Really, I can't say. It certainly would have been different. But I can tell you this: it certainly wasn't what I thought it would be and it certainly isn't like they say it is.

I was expecting the effect to be instantaneous, but nothing happened for a few minutes; when it did kick in, it was nowhere near as strong as I expected. The first thing I noticed was that my front teeth went numb, followed gradually by other parts of my mouth. Next, I realised that I was wide awake, but the effect still wasn't that strong. I felt more confident, but it wasn't at all like being drunk because I was still in control of everything and it didn't affect my coordination. The world didn't look any different; it didn't go blurry and I didn't see things that weren't there. It didn't even change the way that I thought. It was just a good feeling. In fact, I felt better than good – I felt very good. No, I felt fantastic. For several minutes I couldn't think of anything except how amazingly happy I was feeling. It was like I was flying in my emotions. I can't